I am here to visit yet another installment of the My So-Called Online Dating Life series.  We have reached the tenth installment to this chapter and I don’t know whether I should celebrate being consistent enough with my writing to write the tenth installment of anything or just weep over the fact that years later finding Mr. Right is just a myth.  Okay, perhaps I am being a bit too hard on myself here and should have some shed of optimism that love does in fact exist, but when the online saga continues year after year after year, you begin to wonder if this whole internet dating this is worth the effort.

I will openly admit, I’m not making a HUGE effort within the interwebs of online dating, but I am at least making attempts in the form of baby steps to show that I am remotely interested in finding a mate.  It was not too long after I found out my own mother was having more of a social life dating guys she met online than I was, that I decided to step it up.  My mother used a senior dating site to find various matches in her area of guys that she had a great deal in common with.  I was stunned at how many dates she had been on within the past month was more than I have had in years.

OUCH.

I can’t say the name of the website, but I decided to get serious and actually PAY a website to connect me with dating prospects.  That’s right, I went against every fiber of my being and elected to pay for online dating.  It’s not like I haven’t done it before, but it was so long ago and so ineffective, that I made a pact to myself to never pay for online dating again.  I felt like I was throwing money in a trash bin.  The reason I decided to go the payment route, was because my mother had done the same thing, and it worked in her favor as opposed to using Plenty Of Fish, which is the site she was using long before.  If you have never been on POF, in my humble opinion it is the WORST online dating website next to looking for dates on Craigslist.  I will be counter what I just stated and say that I have also heard many success stories from Plenty Of Fish and I know a few people who met their spouses on the popular free dating site for singles.  However, when I have tried it a copious amount of times, it just wasn’t for me.

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As for the new website I am a paid member of now, its been nearly three months and I have not had ONE single solitary date. Zilch.  If you have read through the My So-Called Online Dating Life chronicles (perhaps I should pen this as a book ), then you may know some things about me that has made my dating journey a bit more difficult than it has for others.  I find that my dating path so to speak, have more falling rocks, bad turns, road hazards and speed bumps than the paths of many of my friends, family, and colleagues.  I do have a higher level of expectation of Mr. Right than many women my age and I am pretty superficial when it comes to looks.  I really do hate that about myself.  I’m also a recluse and an introvert that doesn’t make eye contact with others.

I’m a mess.

I haven’t spent a great deal of time on the paid website because frankly its kind of depressing to look at.  I have no messages in my inbox, and even when I decide to use an indirect method (like a poke or a clever use of an emoticon) to let a fellow member know that I’m interested– aside from actually sending them an email–I get no response.  Now I don’t want you to think “oh woe is me” and that you must feel obligated to have sympathy for me.

I just want to articulate the struggle of a nerd

-who is an introvert

– that rarely makes eye contact

-and has a superficial attraction to men that have to meet higher expectations than most

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I think a lot of what could be happening has to do with self-esteem and that is state of mind that I am battling with right now.  I’ve had some recent health issues, which I won’t disclose here, but its made me think about what I need to really focus on in my life right now.  I need to strengthen my mind, my body, and my spirit.  I need to learn to love me, before trying to put myself out there and trying to love anyone else.   As I am writing this, I decided to cancel my online dating account.  I just had an a-ha moment.  I just realized how selfish I could be to try to bring someone into my life right now, when I don’t have it all together myself.  I have it together in so many other aspects of my life, but when it comes to loving myself and feeling confident in being the woman God created me to be, I’m just not fully there yet.  I know I am capable of conquering this, but while I am trying to work on myself, I want Mr. Right to wait until he’s ready to see me as I see me.  A beautiful woman who deserves to have real happiness and true LOVE.  I am a strong believer that everything happens in life for a reason in due season.  Last year was not my season.  The year before last was not my season.  Perhaps this year may not be my season.  However, when the timing is right–the timing will be perfect.  That moment will be encompassing of everything I’ve ever wanted in a relationship and more because I waited so long for it.  But most importantly, when love arrives it will occur when I am in a place of peace.  A place of peace with myself.

He deserves that and you know what damn it?

I deserve it too.