All right, I gave you guys until today to at least get the first episode out of the way.

The road ahead is paved with spoilers.

We open back up with all of our Litchfield favorites enjoying the brief, delight of freedom that the lake offers. Let’s break down what we learned:

1.Piper is nuts and we want her to be gone.

I was so ready to not have any more of Piper, but it is based on Piper Kerman’s story (NONE OF THIS HAPPENED), so Piper is here to stay. Her ego is fresh off of sending our gorgeous girl-crush downhill, and Pipes is feeling big in the britches, which leads us to the second thing we learned.

2. Chang is the realest bitch in Litchfield.

Her 2 minute encounter with Piper was enough to have me like:

 

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But some needed to take princess down a few notches, and Chang was the best one that could have done so. Plus, she highlighted how much we as women LOVE a good deep condition. And not to mention, that thug life clap back at Piper could be heard all around the world.

3.Lolly is basically Tank Girl and vice versa.

Lori Petty is everything as Lolly and was giving me 90’s flashbacks of her smart mouth portrayal of Rebecca. I half expected this scene to happen:

 

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Her interactions with Vause are nothing short of genius, especially in the way she was able to convey the switch from lucid to non-lucid. Lolly truly has a heart of gold with the impulses of a 5-year-old. Was I expecting the guard to get his ass stomped by a 115-pound white girl? Nope. But I was entertained nonetheless. And thus the day is saved and now the bigger problem comes in: there’s a body that has to be disposed of.

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4.The Judy King storyline is dumb as hell.

Like seriously, that’s all I can think to write about it. I did not need some re-imagining of a wealthy woman’s short prison stint. Hmmm, maybe this picture explains why we got that storyline.

 

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5.Crazy Eyes can tell when someone is more nuts than she is.

The homegirl she decided to run off in the forest with; was even too much for Suzanne which is saying something since Crazy Eyes was the one who decided to pee in front of Piper’s dorm. But what was even more interesting was the interaction she had with Caputo when all was said and done. She seems to play crazy, but she was able to point out that had something happened to her, Caputo would have had his ass handed to him, and all he did was send her ass off to bed with no dinner.

6.Frieda is your crazy aunt who could get you out of the craziest shit.

So apparently repeated kicks to the neck don’t kill you and Alex is left with smothering the last few bits of life from the sorry ass hit man. And who comes to help with some bomb ass logic?   Why none other than the sassy Frieda. She had the best line of the episode.

“I’d know better than to dig one six-foot hole when I can dig six one foot holes, that’s just murder math.”

I knew that damn garden was going to be for more than just vegetables for Red.

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And lastly,

7. “Overcrowding is dangerous”

At the end of season 3, we see buses of new inmates roll in and can tell that shit is about to hit the fan. Yoga Jones is quick to point out that things could get real bad and really fast. Which leads to some foreshadowing for Pipes. Flaca is leaning next to where the new inmates are separated from the old and one of the new girls ask who’s the big bad wolf? Flaca, fresh from pissing off Piper, is quick to point to the gangsta with an a. Which I loved. Normally, snitches get stitches, but Flaca deserved a lifetime supply of liquid eyeliner for that power move.

 

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Ready to recap episode 2? We’ll see you soon!

 

 

Kayla Sutton is a Project Manager in her Muggle life, and a writer of wonderful blogs in her wizard life. She also contributes as host of the BGN Podcast and helps run the @BGNPodcast twitter account.