By Jacqueline-Elizabeth:

Pokémon is my life. I’ve owned every game, and every console to play the aforementioned games on. My mother still hasn’t forgiven me for that one time I made her stand outside of Toys R Us one frigid Chicago night, surrounded by hundreds of other parents and (predominantly white and male) children because I wanted a Limited Edition Mew Card.

Over the years, I’ve stayed faithful in my dedication to the Pokémon franchise. No matter how insane or asinine the world of Pokémon seems determined to to drive itself to, my loyalty has never faltered.

And then I saw the recent evolution Trailer for our newest Starters:


And, very much like the series’ predecessors, I immediately stopped taking the games seriously within about three or four seconds of watching the trailer, upon realizing a few things. Namely–

How I was surprised to find Decidueye’s elemental types are Grass and Ghost, instead of Grass and Flying. I’m well aware of the fact these are two famously opposite strength/weakness combinations (Grass Pokémon are weak against Flying Pokémon), but there’s no sense in trying to inject logic into a series about magical creatures anyway.

A lot of these new gens look as if Nintendo hired on the Animators from YoKai Watch! for the latest installment in the Pokémon Franchise.

Primarina makes a lovely addition to the Water and Fairy type roster. Her Signature Move, however, seems mildly pointless, unless you’ve accidentally Burned a Legendary or Non-Legendary you want to capture.

We are also introduced to the remaining three Guardians that protect each island in the Alola Region (which, if you haven’t gathered by now, is based off of Hawaii).

“The battlefield got weird” = Accurate summary of daily life.
“The battlefield got weird” = Accurate summary of daily life.

I can appreciate it entirely that Gamefreak threw in a shout out to the original Water Pokémon Master by giving Tapu Fini’s ability the (slightly pornographic-sounding) name of “Misty Surge”.

To be fair though, I stopped taking Sun and Moon seriously the day Exeggutor received a wildly unnecessary third evolution that now makes it a Dragon type, because obviously that makes total sense. (And with a neck so absurdly long, it doesn’t even fit in the frame.)

The second worst offender in that Cat-egory is Persian’s new “Alola Form”, which in essence is just the overweight lovechild of Garfield and Nermal (who, by the way, is a male kitten much to my newfound surprise). Except all of the excess weight is stored in Persian’s new fivehead. And it’s probably owned by the Alola Region’s primary weed dealer.


The game also allows time for practicing throwing up gang signs that are supposed to combine the powers of the Tapu to summon an overly powerful Final Form:


What concerns me is the unsettling glee written on the Player Character’s face as it urges a Tiki version of Mothra to destroy their opponent. Admittedly, I’m amped they kept the element of battling alongside powerful trainers from the past installments.

What sent me into hysterics, however, is the option to take on the two Original Pokémon Masters: Red and Blue whom have finally hit puberty after twenty years (and apparently are now a lovely outed gay couple, taking a tropical holiday). Red is still going strong with his famous Silent Dignity routine. Meanwhile, Blue remains his usual, narcissistic self, and is looking every bit like the lovechild of Ash and Misty. And he’s since been managing a successful modeling career as well #NiceMomCaprisByTheWay.

Pokémon Sun and Blue drops November 18th, and like the generations before, for better or for worse, I look forward to adding it to my collection.


By Jacqueline-Elizabeth:

Androgynous AltModel (and Pokemon Master) Jacqueline-Elizabeth (AKA Kurosune of the SuicideGirls, and Cosplay Deviants) was born and raised in Chicago, Illinois, developed a lifelong love of reading and writing at ages two and three, and started playing video games when she was six.

Upon moving to Los Angeles, California, Jacqueline scored her first writing gig as Nerdy But Flirty (run by gaming legend SarahTheRebel and later passed down to Kelsey’s Marquet), and later recruited by the Jace Hall Show (now TwinGalaxiesLive!) as also not only their first black writer, but their first female one as well.

Her interests include writing, reading manga, gaming, watching anime, cosplaying, increasing her number of tattoos, and rainy days in bed journaling.

Instagram: @jaxjaxattaxx
Twitter: @jaxjaxattaxx