Over the years, I’ve always heard people talking about tough love. I’m not talking about the “tough love” you have towards children when trying to teach them about life, but “tough love” meaning that love and relationships are this hard, complex thing that are supposed to cause you hurt so you can grow. For a while, I pretty much agreed with this. Relationships can be trying with the ups and downs and lefts and rights. I get that. But why does love have to hurt?

Let me see if I can make more sense. I’m not saying relationships aren’t hard. But why does someone have to hurt me in order for me to love myself or have them realize they love me? That’s pretty warped. Example: my last two (failed) relationships. Both long term. Both mentally and emotionally abusive and exhausting. The latter of the two last some three and a half years (I’ve written about it on this site) and it took me to break it off and really reflect on some deep shiz-nai-e. To be honest, I don’t want to be in a relationship if I have to work at that thing like it’s a full time job, with overtime, and no benefits. Give me full benefits that include love, respect, snuggles, and a few other things. I’ll work full time and put in overtime when it’s required, not just to sooth or coddle you. In the words of Sweet Brown, “Ain’t nobody got time for that.”

At some point or another, I’m sure we’ve all felt we were doomed in love. Maybe even more so being a BGN. It was hard enough (and took long enough) to find other women like me and I surely felt that finding a guy that could handle ALL THIS was not going to happen. These feelings amplified once the last relationship ended. I didn’t completely give up on dating but I sure wasn’t expecting to saddle up for a relationship anytime soon. Enter Tinder. Yes, Tinder. I’m just as shocked. But that’s another story for another time!

All this is to say something that people think is common sense, but is worth repeating. If you feel unappreciated in your relationship, then leave. If you are putting in overtime and not seeing the benefits? Leave. If ya’ll break up and all of a sudden, he’s ready to get it together? Think about it before you jump back with shiny eyes and aspirations. Get some cold, hard evidence (yes, evidence or proof or whatever) before you potentially set yourself up for heartbreak. If they are abusive in any way, please try to seek help and leave the relationship in the time that you need. I know leaving an abusive relationship is difficult beyond words, especially if it’s physical and/or there’s children involved. We are all too awesome for the bullshit.

Tough love? No thank you. Equally distributed, diligent, consistent love? Sign me up.