‘I Love You So Much It’s Killing Us Both’ by Mariah Stovall Is an Emotional Lesson in Self-Preservation

Have you ever loved someone so much that it hurts? Mariah Stovall explores intimate relationships that border on obsession via three angles: friendship, romance, and self. I Love You So Much It’s Killing Us Both is an emotional exploration of the interplay between relationship attachment styles and the complexities of love and friendship.

This is a unique coming-of-age story, and Stovall’s writing is gorgeous. Every word is perfectly crafted and the first sentence of chapter one lets you know you’re going to be on a wild ride.

Set against the backdrop of Los Angeles and New York City, the story introduces us to Khaki, a complex protagonist constantly trying to disappear into something — whether it is a codependent friendship, a doomed romance, or the punk music scene. Khaki definitely disappears into her best friend Fiona and almost loses herself. Then, after a decade of estrangement, she receives a letter from Fiona. She’s throwing a party for her newly adopted daughter and wants Khaki to join the celebration. It is quite interesting as a reader to meet Khaki on the cusp of a reunion with Fiona. 

This story is complicated, including the fact that Khaki is in love with Fiona. Both women grapple with avoidant and anxious attachment styles, and this book gives us an intelligent exploration of how these styles clash. Khaki and Fiona’s platonic love is intense, confusing, and encourages their worst impulses. Yet, their bond is undeniable. It’s this tension between their love and their mutual avoidance of emotional intimacy that forms the center of this narrative.

Khaki’s introverted, contemplative nature serves as a lens through which we get to see the intricate dynamics of their relationship. Khaki is equal parts terrified and tempted when Fiona extends the invitation. But this reunion forces Khaki to confront her own past, her fears, and the memories of their shared interracial relationship history. 

The book’s title, I Love You So Much It’s Killing Us Both, encapsulates the central theme that love, in its various forms, can simultaneously be a source of healing and destruction. Khaki reflects on the passage of time and the evolution of her attachment to Fiona, realizing the difference between you and us. She wrestles with the regret of dedicating years to a relationship that was not conducive to her growth, yet she finds herself rewriting the past through this rose-colored lens.

The contrast between Khaki and Fiona’s mental health struggles is a significant part of their complex relationship. Khaki’s desire to live and heal is contrasted against Fiona’s past wish to die. This upsetting contrast serves as a stark reminder that two people can love each other deeply and simultaneously be detrimental to each other’s well-being. 

Stovall’s masterful storytelling allows readers to explore the complexities of attachment styles, the potential for personal growth, and just how transformative hindsight can be. This story will resonate deeply with those who understand that relationships are not always straightforward, that love is multifaceted, and that, sometimes, we need to confront the past to pave a healthier path for the future.

There are novels that explore female friendships, yet I don’t often see that dynamic applied to an impulsive, volatile relationship like this one. Stovall makes you ponder your own past relationships. For example, when you see a former companion now, a new person, without you, is there a possibility you can accept a different journey, or is it proof that you’re beyond hope? These are the central topics Stovall explores.

A poignant line that stood out for me in the book: “I’ve been thinking maybe I’ve never been in love because I — I don’t love myself, exactly, it’s more like I’m extremely self-obsessed. I’ve been thinking that if you truly love me then you will never truly trust me. Because I lie so often.”

Self-obsession is another fascinating theme in the book. Fiona’s past wish for death while she tries to stay alive for others versus Khaki’s desire to live while being pulled into a dark pit is an intriguing examination of how one’s mental health struggles manifest differently. I wonder if Khaki and Fiona’s attraction to each other and their rose-colored views of their friendship stem from their severe criticism of themselves and the hope to become one another.

“At the very least, this particular sadness is simple. Streamlined. I really understand it now. It’s singularity, not starving, that I thrive on. Thoughts tunneled; feelings filtered in avoidance of the emotional entropy for which I still feel unequipped.”

At its core, the book is about the importance of letting go for self-preservation. Sometimes, the best thing we can do is heal alone. Occasionally, we reunite afterward. But most times, our lives become parallel lines.

I Love You So Much It’s Killing Us Both is available February 13, 2024, wherever books are sold. Consider purchasing from Bookshop.org where every purchase on the site financially supports independent bookstores. The platform gives tools for independent bookstores to compete online and financial support to help them maintain their presence in local communities.