On December 23, 2022, Oscar winner Lupita Nyong’o surprised us on social media when she introduced her romance with television host and designer Selema Masekela.
“We just click!” Lupita wrote on Instagram. “@selema #thisismylove #nuffsaid.”
Selema also confirmed their romance with his own post, writing, “Hearts are synched. My whole and actual love @lupitanyongo. #outkickedthecoverage.”
Throughout Nyong’o’s career, she has discussed her choice to keep her private life out of the public eye — and rightfully so, as social media can be a war zone when you share parts of your life. Yet, she more recently shared a message on Instagram that she is “dissociating herself from someone she can no longer trust” within her “season of heartbreak.”
While she didn’t expressly give a name, removing photos of Masekela from her Instagram and not following each other anymore told us all we needed to know. The post comes one day after photos of Nyong’o and actor Joshua Jackson were taken at a Janelle Monae concert in Los Angeles. Jackson is newly split from his wife Jodie Turner-Smith.
I know, it’s a lot. You may be wondering how news of yet another Hollywood breakup could possibly add value to your life. Nyong’o shared for “someone else out there experiencing the grip of heartbreak who is poised to try and escape from the pain and miss out on the wisdom that comes from it.”
Her post sparks the conversation about how women, particularly Black women, overcome breakups and heartache and move forward from them.
Over a decade ago, I found myself going through a divorce. It was painful and I chose not to share what I was going through. Even after I finally confided in people close to me, I still felt alone and had to navigate how to get through that difficult time. People will have their opinions and actually take sides. Your feelings will be dismissed, and you’re almost forced to become bulletproof.
Black women are consistently isolated by society and then punished for speaking about their pain. When we choose to speak about loneliness and lack of care in romantic relationships, people downplay our vulnerability because we are supposed to be so strong all the time.
What I know for sure is that heartache is something to move through and not necessarily move on from. The idea of moving on gives the impression that there are specific steps you can take and that, if followed correctly, one day you’ll be good as new. Moving through allows the space to go as far as you can but give yourself grace to take a step back if needed. Moving through does not force you to rush and feel better. The only way to heal from a breakup is to move through the pain until it’s done. As Nyong’o said, if we try and escape the pain, we might miss out on the wisdom it provides.
According to Dr. Gary W. Lewandowski Jr., professor and former chair in the Department of Psychology at Monmouth University in New Jersey, a social media purge can protect your heart. Nyong’o certainly took note of this by deleting all the photos from her Instagram account. Lewandowski says that Facebook and Instagram can be pure poison for the brokenhearted. “Though it may be temporarily gratifying to satisfy your curiosity,” regarding what the ex is up to, “it’s best not to look back.”
As Lewandowski describes in his TEDx talk, Break-Ups Don’t Have to Leave You Broken, it’s important to become reacquainted with “parts of yourself that you may have deemphasized or neglected during the relationship” in order to “remember who you are separate from the relationship.” He encourages asking yourself what activities your relationship may have been blocking and then rediscovering that part of yourself.
Nyong’o being spotted with Joshua Jackson allows us to speculate. New relationship, or simply friends having a night out? It’s true that some people try to cope with a breakup by jumping into another relationship. I have seen friends do this, and it doesn’t allow time to actually process emotions and get to know yourself again. This should be a time for self-discovery and reflection. The pain is so present that you need time to let it subside.
We’ve all seen the posts on social media about Black women living a “soft life,” and what that actually looks like. It’s about living life in a way that creates space for vulnerability and peace. Simply existing in this world as a Black woman is hard. The truth is it feels harder than ever these days.
In the early days of the lockdown, we focused on being our best selves through the harder-better-faster-stronger trope. There was a time when the mandate of the strong Black woman gave so many us the edge we needed to survive. But it also gave us burnout. In addition to balancing work and our physical and mental health, we’ve also had to carry the weight in our personal lives, making sure that everyone else is okay while we’re just out here suffering. So many of our connections often feel unfulfilling because we’re pouring from an empty cup, providing unconditional love and support without being met with reciprocity.
There is no rule book for what to do when a relationship ends. But one interesting notion comes from Habiba Jessica Zaman, a professional counselor: “Our healing time will depend on the meaning the relationship held, as well as the length of the relationship.”
Nyong’o shared a message of gratitude to followers who have sent her messages of support. “Thank you for all the kindness I have received from sharing my heartbreak news,” Lupita wrote on her Instagram Story on October 22. She continued, “And it feels comforting to have a little corner online for the romantically heartbroken to gather.”
Nyong’o taking to social media to express her pain and loss about a relationship is what people consistently do these days. We allow the world into our most vulnerable spaces, in the hopes that we’ll feel better or possibly gain some acknowledgment of our feelings. I believe she also recognizes that she is not alone in what she’s going through. With her massive platform, she has the reach to actually help someone going through the same. We see that she’s just like us, doing our best moving through.
