Actress Kerry Washington opens up like never before in her memoir, Thicker Than Water, where she details her trajectory from her childhood in the Bronx to becoming a superstar. We get to see a more personal side to Washington, and she doesn’t hold anything back.
I’ve always loved Kerry Washington, from Chenile in Save the Last Dance to iconic fixer Olivia Pope in Scandal. So, I was excited to get to know more about the artist, daughter, mother, and wife.
Washington was born in the Bronx, New York City, to Valerie, a professor and educational consultant, and Earl, a real estate broker. The book begins with painful memories of her parent’s turbulent relationship and how Washington took their failed marriage as her own failure. Subsequently, she began to suffer panic attacks at just 7 years old. Washington explains that her parents didn’t feel “like they were in the marriage they wanted to be in,” and “they both harbored deep disappointment over what their lives had become.”
It’s always interesting to me how, as adult women, we think back to our childhoods and now see our mothers through different eyes, with different language. Washington speaks about her mother being overworked and underpaid, treading water in her career due to her inability to write in the “publish or perish” world of academia. With that, she was married to a man whose partying and drinking were a source of pain and heartbreak.
This spoke to me in that a lot of women I know, including myself in the past, have this incredible imbalance of work and home life. Everything may look good on the outside, but there is so much turmoil happening on the inside. It’s nearly impossible to reconcile that within yourself, and you feel stuck. Washington says, “I think my mother was trapped in the fun-house version of her dream, an upside-down reality filled with anger, fear, and resentment.”
Growing up, Washington explains that her mind and body became the enemy. She channeled her fears into a made-up character: The good girl. The perfect child. The solution to the problem. It was a coping mechanism. She thought, by doing this, she could at least try to resolve the disappointment and disillusionment her parents had with one another.
It’s a disturbing portrait of childhood anxiety. At such a young age, Washington explains not having the tools to escape the inside noise — which was her parents’ fights and arguments. It was a race to go to sleep, before it all started, in hopes that she could ignore what was coming.
By the time she attended college at George Washington University, she developed an eating disorder that she describes as “a toxic cycle of self-abuse.” Her secrets were starvation, binge-eating, and compulsive exercise. At times it was also alcohol, weed, and even sex. As she continued to maintain the perfect image she created, there was a war going on inside.
What was most scary to learn was that she operated normally within this high-functioning trauma. She was able to drink, smoke, and party all night, while maintaining excellent grades. Yet, the body hatred and body dysphoria took things over the edge. There came a point where it was beyond her control, and she eventually realized she needed help. It was scary and hurtful to learn that her self-abuse almost led to her not being here anymore, as she contemplated suicide.
It made me think about the ways in which we, as women, do tiny, little acts towards ourselves to numb whatever we’re going through. It could be through an eating disorder as Washington experienced, or something else. But in an effort to make the pain go away, we just end up hurting ourselves more.
What was also quite interesting for me, in the book, was the fact that Washington had a difficult time with finding her true identity after living in Olivia Pope’s existence for seven seasons. She says, “If I am no longer Olivia Pope, than who am I?”
In 2018, after Scandal had wrapped for good, Washington was driving in Los Angeles when she received a text from her parents that read, “We need to talk to you.” After arriving, they sat her down to say that her dad was not her biological father and that she was born from a sperm donor. She explains that she was, of course, very shocked. But it also felt like some type of confirmation. Things started to make sense, in a strange sort of way. This revelation was the gift she somehow knew she always needed. Now, she’s in the process of trying to find her donor.
I appreciate that she spoke candidly about her mental health and seeking counseling in order to find her true self and work through trauma. More importantly, she believes that taking care of yourself is a primary act of self-preservation. She has made it through a lot of dark moments and challenges in her life, and where she is now is worth celebrating. It’s obvious throughout the book she’s not sharing her private life for the sake of fame. It’s sharing with a purpose of helping others.
Washington is deeply private and even guarded. Her and husband Nnamdi Asomugha (a former NFL player) have two children together, daughter Isabelle and son Caleb. She is also stepmother to Asomugha’s teenage daughter from a previous relationship. Although she’s very active on social media, it’s intentional that she’s never shared photos of her children and rarely gives any information about them. She doesn’t even share her stepdaughter’s name. Keeping them protected is simply an extension of how she grew up. She doesn’t want them to be placed in a situation where they feel scared or exploited.
“Parenting is a lot about letting go and how you can do that with grace and ease and empower your kids to make the right choices,” she said.
Washington is an amazing storyteller. Her prose is elegant and descriptive. This book pulls you in and, in the end, makes you feel stronger. It’s deeply personal and victorious, as a good memoir should be.
I give Thicker Than Water 5/5 stars. It is brave and a journey that will set a lot of people free from their past hurts. It is available September 26, 2023, wherever books are sold.
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